I’ve never been just as totally lost and confused as I am in this moment.
I have two different views, and they’ve collided.
Forgiveness always came natrually to me, but for some reason this time it’s different.
We’re human, we screw up and we learn from it, we’ve all had our share of those.
But when you’ve been burned before, eventually it feels like you’re making a mistake.
That maybe forgiveness isn’t what’s best.
That maybe they don’t deserve it.
I’ve forgiven people before just because I didn’t want to lose them.
Does there even need to be a reason why ?
There never had to be before.
But I’ve never been able to work past anything, I was never given the chance.
I don’t want to lose people.
Once you’ve given everything you can to someone, you can’t just take it back.
But is it what’s best ?
It’s like inlicting pain on myself for fun.
It doesn’t make sense.
To let go isn’t a sense of freedom.
It’s a sense of loss.
Like it is to loose someone you love dearly.
Only now I get to choose, I’m in command.
That’s a sense I’ve never felt.
Not in a situation like this.
I automatically give my power to whoever else comes along.
But when they hurt you with it, what do you do.
You can’t just get it back.
Time can’t be rewound.
They have your power.
The power to hurt you as deep as it’s possible to.
The magnitism to keep you.
And when you’re powerless to someone, how far becomes too far ?
How can you tell ?
How do you know ?
You’re the only one who is in control of deciding that.
But not even you know.
How many wounds becomes too many ?
You don’t even know whats good for you.
You’re lost and alone surrounded by darknes.
Fearing whats hidden in the shaddows.
You’re not brave.
You’ve never been.
You can put on a show that’s skin deep.
But when it comes down to it your a coward.
You’re scared of everything.
So you stick to what’s safe.
But what happens when what was safe is only a nightmare.
Where do you run ?
Where do you turn ?
When there’s nothing left what is there to believe in ?
Is there even nothing left ?
There’s no way to know.
No one who knows.
The unknown is unberrable.
And it’s a dangerous place.
Despite what you’ve felt you can’t believe anyone.
No one is safe.
No one can be trusted.
You can’t give someone everything.
What happens when they hurt you ..
What happens when they leave ..
What happens when they mock you ..
You can’t do anything.
You’ve never been able to do anything.
I never understood people who always put themselves last, until I realized that I was one of them. At least in the sense of being happy.
There’s been a reoccurring issue going on in my life as of lately – which consisted of voicing my opinion on something, then apologizing for it about 2 minutes later. I did this because something was bothering me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it – from there I told the people directly involved, one of which I’ve never been terribly close to. I’d apologize for what I said because I’m someone who always thinks of other people, and how things could look from their eyes; the last thing I want to do is come off as rude because that’s not me. It’s not a ‘I’m afraid of what people think of me’ thing, I just want them to get the right impression from the start, and judge away from there.
I’m someone who can be persuaded very easily, so find a way to convince me I’m wrong or what I did wasn’t called for, I’ll almost always accept it, go cry in the corner, and say things to myself I wish I’d said. Part of me blames being an only child for this – if my parents were mad at me, I really had no one else to run to, I was never confident saying much around my friends back then either, so they weren’t really an option. I just learned to accept that I did something wrong even if I didn’t know what it was, that that was how the cookie crumbles, and there was nothing I could do, end of story; like arguing with a brick wall. Now, because of that, when I feel there is something I can do about a problem I’ll jump on that train as fast as I can, I’ll still get knocked back down just as easily, but I’ll come back swinging, and the circle goes ’round.
I’m very much someone who can’t be entirely happy unless everyone else is – I might be able to avoid it for a little while, but it will always be in the back of my head until it’s fixed; I’ll always remember it. The same goes for when I’m not happy too though, so it creates a loop. Unless something is bothering me, seeing and making other people happy makes me happy.
I’ve always just done this, but never really realized or thought much of it – like subconsciously doing something. That is until now, where my limits were truly tested. It’s kind of been a self discovery thing, which I hope was worth all the trouble I had to go through to get to this point. Emotions riding on a roller coaster, confidence completely shot dead, testing my relationship with my fiancé .. I don’t know if it was worth it yet, but it feels good to have at least one thing figured out.
Till next time,
I was talking with my mom the other night, and she asked me why I’m in such a rush to get married to my fiancé. I figured, if even she doesn’t know, it’s probably worth doing a blog post about.
The way I see it, if you want something don’t let anything get in your way, just do it. I often aim to please everyone I can, especially those who are close to me, mainly because I fear rejection & disappointment. But this is different. It’s something that I want, something that will make me happy, and something I’m determined to do. If you know it’s right, why wait around ? I’ll still be my own person, doing what I want, going back to school, but with a husband; I don’t see a problem with that.
To most, marriage typically means settling down, starting life together, buying a house, having kids; well, whatever floats your boat. We started our lives together 2 and a bit years ago, getting married won’t change either of our ambitions, we’ll still have time for those. And yes we’ll probably have time to get married later, but like I said, why wait around ? You never know what life might throw at you next.
It’s a little bit strange, that in just a couple moments, one person can go from someone you love, to someone you both love and hate and want to just shake all the answers out of.
What I’m talking about is that one situation, added to a little bit of pre-existing frustration and judgement, minus a refusal of explanation about it, can very easily become a recipe for disaster. And that my blog readers, has been what I’ve been dealing with since about 10 minutes after my last very uplifting post.
When something is seen from a different point of view from an outsider (which in this case happened to be me), it can be seen as horrifying, when really, it’s completely harmless. And even after a vague explanation is given, it’s not until all the details are out that I was able to think clearly about it. So at least they can justify having a reason to do something that was never taken into consideration of how it would look to someone on the outside looking in.
What still bothers me a little, is that I’ve fought so hard for so long for an explanation that could have been given a long time ago and avoided this whole thing. And now that the whole, non threatening truth finally came out, I just feel numb – sort of like I’d been dumped and then tried to stay friends right away. However that wasn’t the case, and me and my fiance are pretty well back to being okay with eachother; it’ll just take a little bit of time before these scars are completely healed.
I’m sorry if this didnt make much or any sence at all, it was just something I had to write about, in my own kind of secret way. That and I’ve gotten around 4 hours of sleep in the last two days, and it’s currently one in the morning.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to have that one true love, that every girl gets in the movies. That one person who will love them unconditionally, and will stand by their side, no matter what happens and for the rest of her life. Well guess what, I’ve found him. No he’s no one new that I randomly met the other day, in fact, he’s been in my life for about two and a half years now. And that guy is the one who I like to call, my fiance.
The night we met isn’t quite something you’d read in a book, maybe in a cheesy romance movie though. Whatver you want to call it, I knew that without saying a thing, I wanted him to become a part of my life in some way or another. Now that night wasn’t exactly the most romantic one ever, because it happened to be my new years party. One of my closest friend’s asked me the night before if her boyfriend could bring one of his friends to the party, and I gotta say, I was a little hesitant to say yes, but finally just told myself, hey, why not. My friend told me that he was into piercings, and surprise surprise, so was I. Whether she thought we’d make good friends, something more then that, or maybe just that he needed to get out and do something, I couldn’t have been happier that he was at that party. That party I wasn’t even sure if it was a good idea that I host or not, since that was the first party at my house involving a lot of people, a lot of booze, and my mom. But I guess things just have a way of working themselves out. But onto the details of said party.
I may have had a little much to drink, which just might have been the only reason why I went through with this next part, but hey, it all worked out in the end. We all decided to play a little game of truth or dare, in which one of my friends dared my now fiance to switch pants with me, which was a common dare in my group of friends, just the two people changed. So after going into the back room, taking off our pants, giving them to eachother, and posing for a picture, I drunkenly decided I was comfortable in his pants. Which luckily for me, he had a spare pare of pants that he could change into, seeing as he wasn’t nearly as comfy wearing mine.
After the party, his pants remained at my house, which lucky for us, gave us more of a reason to stay in contact – seeing as at the time we were insanly shy around eachother. So like I said, even though it was new years eve it’s not the most romantic story of two people meeting, but that night still remains to be a conversation topic two and a half years later. He still remains in my life, not only as my fiance, but as my best friend, and someone who I will never imagine my life without.
I’m not sure why I decided to write this, but it probably had something to do with me and my roommate watching a rather romantic movie that I never even considered watching until she suggested it. I just wanted to take a little time, and write about the night I met the love of my life, because that night is something I will truly never forget.
And Mark, if you’re reading this, I love you so much, and I want you to know that there’s no one out there that I’d rather be with than you. I can’t even express how much I mean that without sounding like a broken record ♥ (:
Until now, I’ve never had to deal competing with anyone for attention. Growing up as an only child I got all the attention I ever wanted, and even got it when the last thing I wanted was attention; that’s just what I’m used to. This may seem silly, but to me it’s the farthest thing from it. Now I don’t want to go into detail about who it is or what’s been happening, but lets just say the result is a not very happy Kim. I guess I can start by saying that I don’t quite understand why I’m receiving less attention from person A now that person B has come along, especially since I’ve known both of them longer then they’ve even known eachother.
I hope this isn’t coming off as whiney – and I’m sure if I came accross this I’d be the one saying ‘oh boo hoo, there’s worse things in life to be sad about’, but let’s just say person A plays a fairly significant role in my life. Go ahead, call me jealous, I won’t deny it, but my real point here is I just don’t get it, and I wish I was able to talk to person A about it without them looking at me like I’m a brainless idiot for reacting the way I am. Another thing, I’ve hardly ever talked to anyone about stupid personal issues lately other then person A. So blog, until then, prepare to be spammed with the random crap floating around my mind that I probably shouldn’t be posting for my own dignity’s sake.
There’s some people in the world who find comfort enough in everyone that they can tell them anything that’s wrong and not even think twice about it. Me on the other hand, get annoyed by those people and turn to my blog. Where people can read about my life but I don’t actually have to say anything. No I’m not going to spill out my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings, but I’m sure you’ll get the point.
As the school year comes closer to an end, I’ve wanted nothing more than to go home and just be with my boyfriend & family. And possibly because of that, everything negative that’s been happening here has been pushing me closer and closer to the edge of loosing my patience.
So now, I really want to go home.
I love some of the people I’m always around, and others, well, not so much. Let’s just say I don’t understand why they do what they do on multiple levels. The thing is, the people I don’t understand keep getting worse, and I’ve just kind of given up.
So now, I really don’t have any sort of motivation to be around anyone until I get home.
So there’s my cheery little update.
For whatever reason, today and lately the thought of spending money and material things have been on my mind, and I figured it’s about time I write a blog post about it. Being in college and just having moved to the big city, obviously my spending habits increased a little, mostly on college related things but also on a lot of non essential things.
Growing up, my parents always said that material things aren’t as important to them, because after all, you can’t take them with you when life comes to an end. I always agreed with that, but the idea of ‘well I can afford it, so why not’ always sat in the back of my head at the same time. I do have a couple of theory’s behind that though. Growing up, I’d see my parents go out and buy what I thought – whatever they wanted. For example, they wanted to go out camping more, and so, they bought a tent trailer, and if they wanted to fly somewhere, we would. However, it was what I didn’t see or piece together that made that okay. The thought behind it, the planning, the saving, the benefits, the memories & life experiences, the things that no kid really cares about when their parents buy something. And until lately, I still never put that together. The trailer benefited us in the sense that we could comfortably travel and see local parts of the world together, as a family. Whenever we flew places, it was usually to see family, and of course, to see more of the world.
Now I certainly know that I’ve been very fortunate to have grown up with the loving family I did, doing the things we wanted to do, and having the things we do, because not everybody gets that chance. In my parents’ minds, the essentials came first, and then the extras, and I truly wished I would’ve noticed that before I did. Now I’m not saying I went on a huge expensive shopping spree and now I feel bad, that’s not the purpose behind this post, what I am saying is that I actually understand were my parents were coming from this whole time, and I feel the need to share that.
As for the sense of ‘I have the money to get this, so why not’, just think of it in the sense that you could be doing a lot of things, but aren’t. Like you could be stealing everything instead of buying it, but unfortunately consequences come along with that, whether it be getting in trouble with the law, a guilty conscience, or even friends or family thinking less of you, there’s always something. Spending money on non essential things can also have a consequence, and it may not always be as obvious, and sometimes it may even be a good consequence. Most of the time, you don’t need everything that you plan to get, and really, I’ve never seen a down side to saving your money. Whether you use it to travel, help out a friend, continuing your education, or even in the event of an unexpected child – whatever comes your way, all of that adds up to unique memories and experiences that no one can take from you, and there’s really no down side to it. You may not be able to keep up with every trend that comes around, but really, that’s just another material thing.
If you have a roof over your head, someone who cares about you, and food to eat every day, life can never be truly that bad.
Take care, and I’ll type to you later.
– Kim ♥
The hollidays are done, and it’s been back to school in some new classes for me. But before I go on about what’s been happening in the new year so far, I’ll have to fill you in on my adventures over the break.
For the most part, it was your typical visiting with the family and eating a little too much food at Christmas dinners, which went well as per usual. My moms family is mainly located in Windsor, so that’s were we travelled first. Before the break began, I was informed that my grandma was unoficially diagnosed with dimensia, and the stories that my mom had told me before made it sound like she had more or less just lost her mind, but in a funny kind of way. My grandma had been apparently been making comments about how the barcode on a cleenex box was how they tracked you down, and other kind of consperacy theorys like that. I guess it might have worsened by the time I saw her, but in person, it was the farthest thing from funny. To me, we had lost her, and every little bit of who she was. She would look at me and say things like “slippers”, or the most random things you could think of (mind you we had been talking about slippers about half an hour ago). She would walk down a hallway mumbling random words with a goofy smile, sit down, and two secconds later she would get back up and walk somewhere else. Before we would always have to convince her to walk for a couple of secconds. After a while I got over the initial shock of ‘she’s nothing like the grandma I’ve known for the last 19 years’, but it’ll be a long time untill I’m fully used to it.
Things got better after that for the most part, Mark (my boyfriend) and I went skating with my mom, aunt, and cousins, which if my skates fit at the time I’m sure I would’ve stayed on the ice for a little longer. It was nice to catch up with that side of the family, since we all live multiple hours from eachother.
While we returned home safely, things remained staying well. More Christmas dinners with Mark’s family, and lots of time spent shopping (and even more time trying to get in and out of the parking lot). Everything continued going fine, that is until the 30th of December. It was very foggy out while Mark and I were driving to my house after picking up things for the new years party, throw in a weird angled intersection and my hollidays went from good to well, not so good. As well as the fog outside the car, the windows were fogged up on the inside as well. I was wiping the window on my side down so we could see who was coming, saw no one, and proceded to cross the intersection. About a third of the way through we were struck by a van that hit the back of the front wheel, came side by side, and went off in opposite directions. Although I know what happened, doesn’t nessecarily mean I remember it all – since my side got hit, the initial impact caused me to bang my head off the side window and was apparently enough for me to black out for a few secconds. Basically what I remember was wiping off the window, the sound of the hit, screaming and banging my head off the window & getting a weird taste in my mouth, and then being at the side of the road (the doctor said it was likely just a mild concussion). Although it was extremely foggy, the van that hit us was going about 80 km/h which was the speed limit for that road. Not only that, but once Mark saw the other driver he leaned over and said “hey, she looks familiar .. doesn’t she work at the store?”. Yup, not only does she own/work at the store in my hometown, but I’d known her since I was at least 5.
Vehicles asside, everyone who was involved in the accident was fine. Mark ended up having to pay a $110 ticket for failure to yeild at a stop sign (or something like that), and asside from whiplash and a sore head, I was fine. I do consider myself to be lucky that nothing worse happened, because it very easily could have. It’s just the “what if’s” that scare me the most – like, what if we were just a little bit further into the intersection, what if it was something much bigger than a van that hit us, stuff like that.
New years went well for the most part, a little less exciting than previous years, but still good.
And while I planned on going on a little bit about the new year so far, this post is surely long enough, so that will just have to wait.
Hope you all had safe and happy holidays, and I’ll type to you later.
– Kim ♥