Monthly Archives: September 2012

I planned to write about my life .. but somehow, it turned into the darkest place I’ve ever been.

I’ve never been just as totally lost and confused as I am in this moment.
I have two different views, and they’ve collided.
Forgiveness always came natrually to me, but for some reason this time it’s different.
We’re human, we screw up and we learn from it, we’ve all had our share of those.
But when you’ve been burned before, eventually it feels like you’re making a mistake.
That maybe forgiveness isn’t what’s best.
That maybe they don’t deserve it.
I’ve forgiven people before just because I didn’t want to lose them.
But why.
Does there even need to be a reason why ?
There never had to be before.
But I’ve never been able to work past anything, I was never given the chance.
I don’t want to lose people.
Once you’ve given everything you can to someone, you can’t just take it back.
But is it what’s best ?
It’s like inlicting pain on myself for fun.
It doesn’t make sense.
To let go isn’t a sense of freedom.
It’s a sense of loss.
Like it is to loose someone you love dearly.
Only now I get to choose, I’m in command.
That’s a sense I’ve never felt.
Not in a situation like this.
I automatically give my power to whoever else comes along.
But when they hurt you with it, what do you do.
You can’t just get it back.
Time can’t be rewound.
They have your power.
The power to hurt you as deep as it’s possible to.
The magnitism to keep you.
And when you’re powerless to someone, how far becomes too far ?
How can you tell ?
How do you know ?
You’re the only one who is in control of deciding that.
But not even you know.
How many wounds becomes too many ?
You don’t even know whats good for you.
You’re lost and alone surrounded by darknes.
Fearing whats hidden in the shaddows.
You’re not brave.
You’ve never been.
You can put on a show that’s skin deep.
But when it comes down to it your a coward.
You’re scared of everything.
So you stick to what’s safe.
But what happens when what was safe is only a nightmare.
Where do you run ?
Where do you turn ?
When there’s nothing left what is there to believe in ?
Is there even nothing left ?
There’s no way to know.
No one who knows.
The unknown is unberrable.
And it’s a dangerous place.
Despite what you’ve felt you can’t believe anyone.
No one is safe.
No one can be trusted.
You can’t give someone everything.
What happens when they hurt you ..
What happens when they leave ..
What happens when they mock you ..
You can’t do anything.
You’ve never been able to do anything.

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