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A Bumpy Ride to Somewhere

I never understood people who always put themselves last, until I realized that I was one of them. At least in the sense of being happy.

There’s been a reoccurring issue going on in my life as of lately – which consisted of voicing my opinion on something, then apologizing for it about 2 minutes later. I did this because something was bothering me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it – from there I told the people directly involved, one of which I’ve never been terribly close to. I’d apologize for what I said because I’m someone who always thinks of other people, and how things could look from their eyes; the last thing I want to do is come off as rude because that’s not me. It’s not a ‘I’m afraid of what people think of me’ thing, I just want them to get the right impression from the start, and judge away from there.

I’m someone who can be persuaded very easily, so find a way to convince me I’m wrong or what I did wasn’t called for, I’ll almost always accept it, go cry in the corner, and say things to myself I wish I’d said. Part of me blames being an only child for this – if my parents were mad at me, I really had no one else to run to, I was never confident saying much around my friends back then either, so they weren’t really an option. I just learned to accept that I did something wrong even if I didn’t know what it was, that that was how the cookie crumbles, and there was nothing I could do, end of story; like arguing with a brick wall. Now, because of that, when I feel there is something I can do about a problem I’ll jump on that train as fast as I can, I’ll still get knocked back down just as easily, but I’ll come back swinging, and the circle goes ’round.

I’m very much someone who can’t be entirely happy unless everyone else is – I might be able to avoid it for a little while, but it will always be in the back of my head until it’s fixed; I’ll always remember it. The same goes for when I’m not happy too though, so it creates a loop. Unless something is bothering me, seeing and making other people happy makes me happy.

I’ve always just done this, but never really realized or thought much of it – like subconsciously doing something. That is until now, where my limits were truly tested. It’s kind of been a self discovery thing, which I hope was worth all the trouble I had to go through to get to this point. Emotions riding on a roller coaster, confidence completely shot dead, testing my relationship with my fiancé .. I don’t know if it was worth it yet, but it feels good to have at least one thing figured out.

Till next time,
Kim